Saturday, September 25, 2010

Ban Me, Baby

It's banned book week kiddily-winks, and through all the hoopla about celebrating banned books, something strange occurred to me. I want to be banned. Now, I know I'm not even published yet, and sure I don't even have an agent, but when the day comes when you can walk into a Barnes & Nobel and pick up a copy of Scout's Honor, I hope the first thing you do is run to your local library or school board and petition to ban that bad boy. Ban it all to hell!

Why? All my favorite books have been banned. The Catcher in the Rye--banned. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn--banned. Prep--banned. The Absolutely True Diary of a Part Time Indian--banned. Ban 'em all. And ban me, too, baby.

And why might they ban my book? Sex. Drugs. Suicide. Murder. Cutting. 9/11. Teen pregnancy. It's in there. I'm sure you can make the case none of those little whipper snappers should be reading anything that I write. I mean, maybe it's books like The Catcher in the Rye that has them on your lawn in the first place.

Not only do I want to be banned, but I want it to be real public-like. Scream about it on the news. Rant about it in letters to your editor. Make as much noise as you can to bring down the abomination that is my book. Really show me who I'm dealing with. I deserve it. I won't argue. Ban that bad boy as hard as you can.

Now, I'm not saying you should protest outside my house or dump pigs blood on my children or anything like that. I don't need that kind of protest. I really like going out to dinner and driving my own car. Body guards and security systems are expensive. So be mad at the book, not me. But as long as your ranting about the book, and not me, that's really cool.

Also, if you could, maybe you could ban it from just like one store or library or school district, but then put a label on the front for all the others warning them of the edgy content. Something that says, "This book is all kinds of naughty, and nobody under the age of 21 should ever look at it's contents or really, really bad stuff may happen like the the Mayan calendar ending early." That would be cool, too. That would keep those youngins away. Protect them from me, please!

You could even make up t-shirts with pictures of the book on the cover with one of those cool red circles with slashes through it over the book. That would be creative. And on the back you could put DO NOT BUY THIS BOOK from, Barnes & Nobel, and Borders, and what ever you do DO NOT go to because the author of this book is combined with Antichrist.

Now that I really think about, in order to truly protect America's youth, I hope you make up lots of picket signs and stuff. Maybe you could march on Washington, too. Make sure you call CNN, MSNBC, FOX NEWS, CSPAN, and LMNOP-whatever before you go. Don't want the cameras to miss those picket signs with my face and book plastered on them as you march toward the capital or Lincoln Memorial or whatever other symbol of freedom you want to march toward while burning The Constitution.

Hey! While you're in Washington, you can probably find the actual Constitution, the original bad boy, the original scandalous script, the original dirty diatribe, and wipe your ass with it. That'd make the trip worth-while, wouldn't it? Don't forget to get some on the Bill of Rights. Never do anything half way.

Maybe you can get them to put me on trial in front of Congress, too. I mean, since you're down there and all. Worked for Arthur Miller.

And then, the best part will be when my second book is about to come out. The one with a twin brother and sister who have sex with each other. Yeah, that one. That one you can start protesting and banning before it's release. I figure a month in advance should work. I can't afford to really go on book tours or make commercials or anything, so maybe you could make it two to three months in advance just be safe. It's about the kids, after all.

So, I don't want you to feel bad if you try and ban my book some day. You have my permission. I'm cool with it. I'm down. Just make it big time, okay? Be loud. Be passionate. Be public.

Thank you, and enjoy Banned Book Week.


  1. So when's the book coming out so I can plan my banning campaign?

  2. You mean somewhere between never and in my dreams? Yes, you can start then. Thanks.

  3. Hey Billy-Boy. I've got an award for you on my blog...

    Didja ever hear back from the agent?